Have ya ever been watching tv, or come across a life incident that was mostly insignificant- but all the sudden you burst in to tears- and really you dont get why?

I've done this often- a lot more since I have had my boys- or maybe it's just part of growing up. Maybe its the tie between leaving behind immaturity, and trying to figure out who you are in this life.

I've been struggling with who I am lately. I often think about the girl I was before I was Mom. Before I was someone's wife. I remember how I would write stories, poems, ideas on paper all night long. When I spoke to someone it was in great detail. I knew in great detail what my life would hold when "I grew up".

And its not that I am not happy- Because that is furthest from the truth- I am happier now in life than I have been in a long time. Still though, something is missing. I thought, today in church, how I should participate more. Why am I not doing more to help others in this life. I always think maybe next week- maybe when I decide what it is I can really be good at, THEN I can try to help someone. Maybe visit some elders in a hospital, maybe lead the kids in the plays at church- help here, help there. MAYBE some other time?

And it's like I am giving myself permission to not be completely happy until I fix all the inperfections about myself. My confidence, my weight, the list could go on. Why am I waiting? There will always be some inperfection.....

So I am laying in bed with Eric- And we are watching our Sunday night show- This lady is asked to be a radio host- she has no experience at this at all-- but accepts- her first segment she gets a caller, and it clicks with her, this is something that she should be doing- She is impacting others lives, and is able to let the world know her thoughts. She smiles.... But I almost tear up- Here is one of these moments. So it hits me- These moments happen when I see others fall in to thier "place" in life. No matter how small it is- they found it.

I just wish I knew what my place was- I just wish I wasn't so scared- And what am I scared of? Someone will laugh at me? I might not impact another's life in the way I am longing to? I wont be good enough?

Lately I have just been impacted by others around me. I really let them control my way through the day. Mr. negativity gets me down, makes me think its all crap- that noone cares about others- everyone is in it for themselves. Mrs. Negativity just cant get a break. The world is cold, stupid, and you just cant get ahead, no matter how hard you try. Mr. Shallow only accosiates with people that will get him ahead in life- the whole time making others feel badly about themselves so he can feel better about his self. Rumors, gossip.... It's so easy to get caught up in.

Truth is I can see myself in all these people.

And I wonder why I am tired at the end of the night. My mind races all day- Whats right, whats wrong?

I just want to be me. I just want to take risks, and if I fall, realize that bruises go away- and if not, it might just be a beautiful scar- reminding me that I took that risk.

I just want that moment- I want the ah ha! I've done it. I am where I am supposed to be.